Newsroll: Ol*mpic Tryouts, People Still Reject Evolution, 4 more

• The U.S. Ol*mpic team held tryouts yesterday in Park City, Utah. Someone did okay, I guess.
• In related news, the U.S. government has volunteered additional security at the Winter Ol*mpics following not one, but two terrorist bombings in Volgograd, Russia. (Source: Edward Snowden)
• New York City didn’t get a white Christmas this year.
• A survey by the Pew Research Center shows that one-third of Americans still reject evolution despite God himself clearing things up in a press release.
• Beyoncé refused to apologize for the alleged use of Challenger audio in her new song, ‘XO’, claiming that it was an iPhone recording of a really big fart.
• The FDA rejected Lemtrada, a multiple sclerosis drug developed by Genzyme, forcing MS patients to go back to using the next best thing.