Two guys who made the news recently

General Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, recently elected President of Egypt…

…and the Red Army Choir guy.

See the resemblance?

See the resemblance?

I’m gonna keep my eye on this el-Sisi guy because I don’t know if the Egyptian people (and the world) can trust him just yet. He sounds like a good guy, though.


Newsroll: Ol*mpic Tryouts, People Still Reject Evolution, 4 more

  • The U.S. Ol*mpic team held tryouts yesterday in Park City, Utah. Someone did okay, I guess.
  • In related news, the U.S. government has volunteered additional security at the Winter Ol*mpics following not one, but two terrorist bombings in Volgograd, Russia. (Source: Edward Snowden)
  • New York City didn’t get a white Christmas this year.
  • A survey by the Pew Research Center shows that one-third of Americans still reject evolution despite God himself clearing things up in a press release.
  • Beyoncé refused to apologize for the alleged use of Challenger audio in her new song, ‘XO’, claiming that it was an iPhone recording of a really big fart.
  • The FDA rejected Lemtrada, a multiple sclerosis drug developed by Genzyme, forcing MS patients to go back to using the next best thing.

Scientists ‘this close’ to cure for cancer

This close.

The National Institutes of Health yesterday announced in a press release that their researchers are “this close” to discovering a cure for cancer. According to the press release, the treatment involves a cocktail of pot and magnetic nanoparticles. Which makes me wonder, didn’t they say the same thing five years ago?

‘Snata’ Spotted Over Madrid

MADRID (NORAD) — Scientists working for the North American Aerospace Defense Command reported sightings of a mysterious old man in a red sleigh over the Spanish capital.

The man, originally thought to be the legendary Saint Nicholas, turned out to be an impostor named “Snata”. Continue reading

Game Freak: Deoxys DNA present in Russian meteor

The meteor that exploded over Chelyabinsk in central Russia on February 15 may contain genetic material that belongs to the elusive but real Pokémon Deoxys, Game Freak board director Junichi Masuda said in a recent blog post (we forgot the URL, sorry!).

Composite image by Aidan F.

Yeah, this is what we’re talking about here.

Continue reading

Communism: My Legendary Commutes

This article was written in-house by Billy Benign, who has refused to register an account at this time.

The bloated Soviet Flag in all its imperialism.

If there’s one thing that grinds my gizzard it’s definitely the very idea of Communism. Actually, I have a bigger problem with the pronunciation; “KAH-myoo-nism?” What the duck? It should sound more like the word “communal,” so it would be “kuh-MYOO-nism.” That would at least make it sound 32% less evil. Continue reading

BREAKING NEWS: Last Hostess Cupcake Spotted

If you have seen this cupcake, call 1-800-4-NIK-8-R immediately.

If you have seen this cupcake, call 1-800-4-NIK-8-R immediately.

Sometimes, life is real simple. You can go to work (or school), hang out with other employees (students), hook up at the bar (cafeteria) and get busy with a nice chick (your right hand). Other times, however, life dares to be ugly, and it’s even worse when what makes it so just won’t die.

Less than 48 hours ago, a Hostess-brand cupcake was spotted passing by off of the I-62 in Pheonix, Arizona. This is an event that has stunned news reporters all around the world; Hostess Inc. filed for bankruptcy in 2012, and was closed down in November of that year. As a result, all Hostess cupcakes, twinkies, devil dogs and spanky hankies were sent immediately to various Chemical Concentration Camps to be decomposed and disposed of. It seems, however, that one oven-dwelling goldie dared to escape; it is now running rampant on the poor, innocent streets of Pheonix. Continue reading